Five Simple Steps to Practice Healthy Boundaries Rather Than Putting Up Walls Based On Your Feelings
I talked about boundaries in a recent TV segment on Great Day Louisiana, and it’s an important topic because they help us create clear expectations about how we want to live, work, and interact.
It’s important to understand that having boundaries is not the same as putting up walls. Boundaries help us navigate relationships in a healthy way; walls may keep out some of the bad, but they also keep us from experiencing good. We often build walls to protect ourselves from not feeling pain again, but the reality is people let us down. Boundaries help us alleviate patterns of hurtful behavior that we may face a person in our life, but when we have healthy. boundaries in place, we don’t have to allow our emotions to dictate our decisions.
Healthy boundaries are flexible, and they allow people who have earned their trust to make mistakes. Boundaries allow us to offer grace and to forgive people who make mistakes, but they also allow us to say no to unhealthy patterns of hurtful behavior.
Walls are impenetrable. While it may seem like walls keep the bad out, the unfortunate reality is that walls keep the good stuff out too. When we put up walls, it keeps us from experiencing the fullness of healthy relationships, and it keeps us from ever being fully known and accepted. At our core, we all want to be fully known and accepted.
They’re not about controlling other people, they’re about exhibiting self-control in our lives. You cannot set boundaries for others, but you must set them for yourself. So, in relationships, we don’t say things like, “You can’t talk to me like that.” You can reframe it to say, “If you continue to speak to me that way, I will no longer engage in the conversation.” So, instead of threatening, you’re simply offering insight and understanding on your end of a tough conversation.
It’s important to address this in our professional lives as well. The way we work has changed significantly over the last few years, and the line between work and home life is blurrier than ever!
Are you writing or responding to work emails at 11 pm? Do you get calls from your boss or colleagues while you’re out on PTO that start with, “Hey, I know you’re out, but…” If so, you may need to enact some new boundaries at work. That will look different for everyone.
Maybe it looks like not answering emails outside of work hours or no longer answering calls from your boss or colleagues when you’re on vacation. Rest is a vital part of productivity, but that sense of urgency that you may be feeling is more likely anxiety. Having boundaries will help you stop working in panic mode, which usually leads to better productivity.
There are some steps we can take to practice having boundaries. Notice I said, “Practice.” This takes time and grace just like everything else we do to experience growth and personal development.
1. Visualize your limits. Be specific. Determine what the boundary will look like for you and be willing to adapt as needed.
2. Communicate your boundaries. Don’t make people guess what you’re feeling or thinking. Be clear and as respectful as you’d want someone to be with you.
3. Guard your time. We cannot be everything to everyone all the time, so take time to consider how you’ll feel before you say yes to invitations. This is the key to having a successful, life-giving holiday season too!
4. Make time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’ve said this before – asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of humility. It is 100% okay to need a few minutes a day alone. I like to spend some time each day journaling, reading my Bible, sitting in the quiet, singing, etc. What makes you feel refreshed? Try carving out a few minutes a day to do that thing.
5. Learn to say no. Seriously, get comfortable with it. As a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you that when you learn to say no, you’ll discover what it feels like to rest rather than constantly feel exhausted.
What would you add to my list of steps to create healthy boundaries?