Embrace Joy and Inner Peace by Letting Go of Bitterness in Your Heart and Mind
In one of my TV segments on Great Day Louisiana, I talked about how important it is to release bitterness if you want to live a peaceful life. The truth is, it’s impossible to live a peaceful, joy-filled life if you hold bitterness in your heart.
“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”
— Hebrews 12:15
Letting go of bitterness requires learning to forgive, but before we can do that, we have to understand what forgiveness really means.
Forgiveness does not mean that what the person did was okay; it just means that you’re unwilling to let hurts or offenses control your thoughts and actions. Forgiving the person who hurt you does not mean that you need to reconcile with them either. If someone hurts you and doesn’t show remorse, you may need to keep healthy boundaries in place. But it’s also important to understand that forgiving someone does not require their participation. It’s about what’s going on in your heart and mind.
When we realize how powerful it is to forgive, we can learn to release bitterness. While you can’t change someone else’s actions or intentions, you do have authority over your own thoughts. That means you’re responsible for your responses and your actions.
Offenses will happen. Let’s repeat that. Offenses. Will. Happen. We’re all imperfect people who experience imperfect thoughts, actions, and words. It’s part of the human experience, and the sooner we realize that the easier it will be to stop holding the people in our lives to impossible standards.
The reality is that the closer you are to someone, the more likely they’re going to say something that hurts or offends you, but there are some practical steps we can take to ensure that we don’t become bitter.
Forgive - No one else has to be involved in this process. It’s great if you’re able to talk it out with the person who hurt you, but it’s absolutely not a requirement for you to forgive.
Be honest - When a trusted friend or loved one hurts you, you should not assume that they know they hurt your feelings. Maybe it seems impossible for them to miss that, but the reality is that most of the time, when you’re holding onto bitterness or offense, the other person may be completely unaware. I’ve known individuals who miss out on quality relationships because they prefer to hold onto grudges, and you know what that will get them in the long run? A life of loneliness and isolation, in which they’ll never experience the gift of deeply rooted relationships. When someone apologizes for hurting you, accept the apology.
Adjust your boundaries - When someone continues to hurt you, it’s important to maintain boundaries. Just be sure not to confuse boundaries with walls. While it’s important to limit the time you spend communicating with people who leave you feeling emotionally drained or hurt, it’s equally important to recognize that it doesn’t mean you can’t let anyone in. Relationships take time to build because trust is cultivated over time. Yes, create boundaries when it’s necessary, but be sure that you don’t put up walls to keep anyone from ever hurting you. When we put up walls, we may believe we’re keeping the pain from entering our lives, but we’re also keeping out loving, respectful relationships that would uplift us if we let them in.
Offer grace - Offer grace to others, and offer it to yourself as well. That was a tough concept for me until I realized how much grace I’ve received - from people and from God.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
— Romans 5:8
God offered each of us grace by sending Jesus to pay the debts of our sin that we could never pay. How incredible is that?! As a result, I’ve decided that I’ll never choose to withhold forgiveness because I’d never want God to withhold forgiveness from me.
Forgiveness requires practice and faith, and if you’re a Christ-follower, it’s not optional.
“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
— Colossians 3: 12-13
Since each of us has authority over our own minds and actions, it’s important to remember that letting go of bitterness is our responsibility. If you’re a believer who is experiencing bitterness, you can release it now with God’s help. Again, it takes practice, but as we forgive and let go of offenses in faith, our feelings will follow.
If you’re having trouble forgiving someone, pray like this:
Lord,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to forgive just as you’ve forgiven me. Please give me the courage to release the feelings of bitterness/unforgiveness that I feel toward _____________, and help me to see them the way you see them.
Please give me wisdom as I address these tough areas, and help me to offer grace to them and to myself. I repent of holding onto bitterness and surrender it right now.
Thank you for the grace you’re giving me, even in this moment. I love you, Lord, and I trust you.
In your name, amen.